All the previous abuse culminated with a spiritual awakening by spring. The Lord began to bring clarity to my heart. I realized that scripturally I needed to address the issues ongoing in my marriage. The abuse began to take a toll on my church life. I was so afraid of my husband that I avoided going anywhere with him, or where he had been. I stopped attending and serving in the church. This had nothing to do with my love for my pastor, other leadership, or the congregation. My senior “pastor” was aware of the abuse. I was told that I needed to “fit myself into my husband’s plans”, needed to pray more, needed to fast more…it was implied that it was my fault. (A fractured eye-socket and a broken jaw due to being hit with a hammer…in the opinion of the authorities was ABUSE)
In July, I sustained numerous injuries because of yet another violent encounter with my husband. This time while being chased I had fallen from a porch and sustained numerous fractures to my right leg, torn hamstring of my left leg and all the toes on my left foot were broken. I was restricted to bed rest except to use the bathroom with the aid of crutches. The pain from the fractures was unbearable. As I was recovering from my injuries, a letter from my pastor arrived. So excited was I to receive a letter from my pastor that I tore the end of the letter and read it immediately.
Sincere Christian Greetings! I have been informed a couple of times and most recently by (another church leader) that you are unhappy with me because I have not called you concerning your absence from church.
Let me say first of all, you have been contacted numerous times through my wife and Pastor ( ) either directly by phone, by mail or through your husband. We have tried to show concern for you. Secondly, I rarely call a woman for or about anything. Thirdly, I have been very cautious about ministry problems; giving my time to the living and not the dying.
If you have an issue with me, the appropriate thing would have been to bring it to me. You walked out of this ministry with no word or explanation. An ordained minister by definition is a “mature one.” You should be focusing in on what you did and how you did it rather than being upset with me for what you think I should have done. I am disappointed in your behavior.
The Holy Sprit has revealed more to me about your situation than you may be aware of. I do love and pray for you.
Lifting Jesus Higher!”
The author of this letter was my senior pastor. I should say, too, that at no time was I ever contacted by anyone. The information he referred to was totally false. Prior to this, another letter from my senior “pastor” arrived outlining an additional perceived offense on my part…however, I was not even in the USA at the time. Yet, no one bothered to check his or her “facts”. Once it was finally realized I had been out of the country…there was no apology…no anything.
Upon reading this, I was so devastated that it felt as if I had been kicked. It was difficult to take a deep breath. Then I thought that perhaps I had misread it, so I reread the letter. This time I realized the depth of my pastor’s disconnect.
Here was a man who professed to understand and minister to the needs of his leadership team, and the congregation with integrity and wisdom. Moreover, in one stroke of his pen he had dismissed as trivial all the years of pain and suffering I endured in silence.
Furthermore, he denigrated me as a mere woman who had maturing to do. I was not sulking at home like some petulant child; I was trying to find a resolution to the ongoing issues in my marriage while continuing to serve God at the same level of excellence that I had always strived. And if true his reference that “The Holy Sprit has revealed more to me about your situation than you may be aware of” I am left to wonder why he didn’t seek to intervene.