Will the Nightmares Ever End?

Some of you are aware of bits of my past.  Some are familiar with much of my work…both overseas and here in the USA.  This has produced nightmares that have not ended.   I began emailing my beloved husband at work when I am suddenly awakened by night terrors.

 

He is a medical professional and often works midnights.  He suggested that the emails I’d sent be saved and included in the book I am working on.  This is a very good idea for many reasons.  First and foremost…it reminds me that I am NOT the only one that suffers trauma from the past.  I also know I am most certainly not the only one that’s been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome).  Personally, I don’t know why it’s called “POST” Traumatic Stress…when it is present every day.

 

I am going to post just a few of the emails that I’d sent my husband.  It will be followed by an email he had sent me…after we had four glorious, uninterrupted days together.

 

 

My Beloved Husband,

Sleep seems far from me tonight.  Laying within your embrace is the most comfortable place  there is for me…it’s easy to drift off as I lay next to you…listening to the  rhythmic sound of your breathing brings me great contentment…and before long I  too am asleep.

 

However, each night…it feels as if I’m “almost” asleep…when I suddenly am wide awake…I can “be” in an assortment of places.  The Gulf Coast…the rapists are there.  Another time, I am standing back a bit from the crowd…as I  watch a man hanging from a tree, as a man in the crowd steps out and
douses him  with lighter fluid…the out comes the cork-screw.  The joyous laughter from those in attendance reminds me of the joy demons must feel when God’s people are distressed.

 

Another time…I’m asleep in my bed…when my “ex” walks in and begins to beat me. Then I wake up and realize I am in my own bed and the dog is lying on your pillows.   Yet, for those few moments between sleep and consciousness…this is where fear lives.

 

I sit up and tell myself…don’t go to sleep.  Stay awake and think of other things.   This inevitably takes me across the ocean…to one of many nations that I’ve lived, loved, and has taken root within my heart.  Now…fully awake…I can “smell the smells”…”hear the voices” of those that were like family…I can “hear” the awful wailing sound of the bomb squad sirens.

 

I can “see” the sadness of hopeless within the eyes of such a vast number of street children…orphaned since the revolution.

 

Then I can see my life contained upon the walls of our home.
Now…this gives me joy!  It brings rationality to all the senselessness I have witnessed in my life.

 

I hate waking up in a cold sweat at night…finding myself back on
the Mississippi Gulf Coast.   It’s beyond frightening.  What should I do?

 

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My Beloved Husband,

Night after night, I wonder when the nightmares will stop.   With you sleeping next to me…at least, they are not a daily occurrence.  Due to the fact I do not want to awaken you…I slide ever closer to the edge of the bed as I do not want my trembling to disturb your sleep.

 

Which day will it be when I begin to feel better physically?  Tomorrow, maybe the next day?  On the other hand, will that day every arrive?

Hold me.  Just hold me.  This is my only desire…to be held within your embrace so tightly that nothing can penetrate your embrace to harm me.  YOU are my constant desire, concern and motivation.

 

 
When you are not here…I think, continually, of all the things I desire for you.  Such as love, joy, peace, hope, gentleness…etc., etc.   Do I provide these things for you?  I already know your answer…”Yes”!

Being raped, stabbed, chased…or having my home shot up night after night after night…is exhausting.  Do I regret the things I was once involved?  No. I do not.  However, I had no clue at the time, that these things would haunt my memory and steal hope from my heart.

 

Will I ever have “normal” thoughts…or have I seen far too much misery in so many places?
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My Beloved Husband,

 

 

I have been awake since 3:10 AM.  I checked my messages and hadn’t heard anything from you so figured you must be busy.  But it’s almost 6:30 AM now…so thought I’d drop you a line so you could read these words….I AM SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU!

 

 

This is what woke me up:  I heard my heart beating rapidly and felt a searing hot pain as I was stabbed.  I could “hear” the waves hitting the shoreline; I could “hear” the seagulls.  What should I do…run?  Yes, run.  So I ran…although I did not get very far before falling forward.  I was on all fours with my head tilted downward as I watched my own blood be absorbed into the sand.

 

 

By now, I’m wide awake.  It took several minutes before I had the courage to move.  I then looked next to me … you weren’t there.  I used my left hand to feel above my head…and I felt the dog sleeping.  Immediate relief swept over me.  It’s OK…I’m home.

 

 

 

You were so tired by the time you came home from work today!  Couple that with all the stress I was feeling and it was a toxic mix.  The best thing for both of us was that we soon fell fast asleep….to awake totally relaxed.

 

 

Sometimes I feel afraid to fall asleep.  With the nightmares…I never know “where” I will wake up and what will be taking place.  Will it be the scenes of war…bombs, a mutilation murder by lynching or while on the beach either being stabbed or raped?  The weirdest thing is that it seems so REAL!  I can “see” the sights and “smell” the smells exactly as they were when the event occurred.

 

 Darling…I will always love you!

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My Darling Wife

Four days, that’s a span of 96 hours
for many the time goes by very quickly
especially when it is your time off
but for you and I, the last four days
lasted longer, meant more than any other
four days before!
I have never felt closer
understood more
enjoyed being around anyone
like I have you this past four days
I know that I am a better man for having spent
these past four days with you
I love you with every beat of my heart
J’aurai tous jour faim de toi!

 

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Michelle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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